i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
