I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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