My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
