the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
