home. puking in laundry basket.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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