I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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