Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She bit a glass in half.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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