Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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