Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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