Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
