You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
