Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
