you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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