I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
