So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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