I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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