Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
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