One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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