He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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