I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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