I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm like, not good at living.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
