fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
