I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
