Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
