honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
