he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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