he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
