You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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