He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize