I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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