brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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