Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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