Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
