if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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