I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
