True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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