That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
