apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
