I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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