please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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