Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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