you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
