Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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