And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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