I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
