This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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