Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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