On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
