i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
