you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
