I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
