How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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