I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
