Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
