CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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