I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
