Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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